regrets

"NO REGRETS" i always hear this from people, or even read it from blog entries [usually sad ones]. Bakit nga ba nasasabe yan.. feeling ko minsan kasi, when people say "NO REGRETS" they are just making themselves feel better. dahil ang totoo pinag sisisihan nila ang mga nagawa nila.

Sinabe ko din yan eh.. may friend ako mega convince na mapapa-sama ako sa ginagawa ko, tigilan ko na daw kasi ako lang masasaktan, ako lang mahihirapan.. sabe ko sakanya "Di yan, masaya ako, masaktan man ako.. NO REGRETS" nung nasaktan ako at napatunayan nyang tama sha, dun ko narealize.. di pala pde yun kasi kahit anong sabihin mo, may pagsisisihan ka din..

so na isip ko ilista ang mga regrets ko sa buhay.. yung mga natatandaan ko pa.. na aminado akong pinagsisisihan ko.. ala lang gusto lang mai-share.. nakakatawa kasi tignan yung mga katangahan ko.. hehe

* Sana nung 2nd year highschool ako sa UST eh d ko sinuot ung orange na skirt na gustong gusto ko kasi d ko naman alam na may pakabaliw pala mga tao dun sa payhigh nung mga panahon na yun at mainit sa mata ng mga higher batch sakin yung kulay na yun. (aba inaway ba naman ako dahil sa suot ko kahit d naman kame close.. hmf)

* Sana tinitignan ko yung nilalakaran ko para hindi ko natapakan yung macaroni na nahulog galing sa plate ni paolo cantor nung 4th year highschool ako para hindi nya sana ako pinagtawanan nung nadulas ako dahil don

* Sana mas maaga ako pumapasok nung highschool ako para mas madami akong chismis na nakukuha galing k marijo. hahahaha..

* Sana nung college ako naging mas masama ugali ko (haha kulang pa pala ang kasamaan na ginawa ko eh noh?). Di ko kasi gusto mga kaklase ko hahaha.

* Sana nalaman ko kaagad na ang mga kumukuha pala ng course na psychology eh kadalasan may topak para d ko na ito tnake up. mashado tuloy ako nac-conscious sa kabaliwan ko sa buhay.

* Sana hindi ako nainlab dun sa pinsan ng vet ng mga aso ko at sana naisip ko na hindi porket kamuka nya si andy lau eh kelangan ko shang sagutin. hindi sana naging kame.. (erase, erase, erase ok lang na naging kame pala haha kamuka nya parin si andy lau eh).

* Sana hindi ako nag panggap sa daddy ko na na-snatch yung cellphone ko para bilihan nya ako ng bagong cellphone.. wala lang nakokonsensha kasi ako.. lols..

* Sana hindi ako na-addict sa mga computer games. siguro mas matino buhay ko nuon pa kung ang inatupag ko eh magpayaman nalang sa totoong buhay kesa sa mga nilalaro ko online..

* Sana hindi ako mashadong naniniwala sa mga bullshet ang crap lies ng mga tao tao, hidi sana ako nag mukang mashadong tanga.

* Sana hindi ako nagmahal mashado at sana kahit papaano nagtira ako para sa sarili ko ng ibang bagay maliban sa "pride"

* Sana matagal na akong nadepress ng sobra siguro ang payat payat ko na ngayon kung nagkataon.

* Sana hindi ko hinayaan na mas mahal ko yung isang tao kesa sa mas mahal nya ako.. siguro kahit papaano, maiisip nya ang halaga ko.

* Sana matagal na kami naging friends ni phentermine. hahahaha..

* Sana tinabe ko na si kai sa pagtulog dati pa, siguro mababawasan ang pagiging adhd nya.

* Sana hindi na ako umasa na kahit papaano magiging mahalaga ako sakanya para naman mabilis ko sana matanggap na kahit na mamatay ako sa harap nitong tao na ito.. wala pala shang pake.. ahaha

* Sana hindi ko nilaitlait yung gf ng ex ko, kasi mahal nya yun eh kahit anong gawin ko kahit gaano sha ka panget walang magbabago at higit sa lahat mababasa nya pala hahahahaha...  wala na talang magbabago.. mas mamahalin nya pa tlaga yun

* Sana hindi ko ginupit gupit yung mga damit nung ex ko nung naghiwalay kame.. wala lang naawa ako sa gunting eh.. hahaha nahirapan kasi... medyo shredded ang kinalabasan eh haha

* Sana hindi ko na sinulat ang entry na ito kasi mabubuset lang pala ako at hindi ako matatawa pa naalala ko yung mga katangahan ko sa buhay..

ayun.. so nakakainis pala..d pala nakakatawa.. kaya pala pag sinabeng "NO REGRETS" ang totoo eh nag sisisi ka.. wat da.. gulo dba..


oh wells, NO REGRETS..   

finding out..

i have always been the last person to know the truth.

yesterday, i accidentally found an answer to one of the questions that has been buggin me for the last 3 months.

ha! took me three months to find out.. that was long.. if i was veronica mars, it wouldnt take me a week to discover the answer to 3 whole months of confusion.

they say the truth hurts. it does.

it hurts when you still care for someone who doesnt care for you anymore
it hurts when you try so hard yo pretend that you dont care at all but deep inside you really do
it hurts when no matter how hard you try, you can never ever be good enough

but what hurts more is when you found out the truth, then you get hurt but you have no right to complain. all you can do is ask "why?" but you can never, ever in your whole damn life complain.
when you try hard to pretend that you are not affected but deep inside you just want to burst out screaming because of the pain you are feeling.

thats more hurting than only knowing the truth..

and thats how it was yesterday.. the truth was spilled out, unintentionally. my mind became blank. i can still hear more of the truth but i wasnt absorbing it. i was trembling, i felt cold, i didnt know what to say. all i did was tell myself to hold back the tears, coz i can't let anyone know how hurt i was to know the truth. i held back coz i know that i have no right to complain. such innocent but heart breaking words for me to hear.

when i got home, i was alone here in my room. i couldnt cry, my stomach was doing butterflies, i wanted to throw up.. yep, "the throw up" syndrome is officially back and im sure i should be officially back to the shrink. i was coughing like crazy and it feels like i was to barf anytime.. but i didn't. i tried to stop myself from doing so.

after a few conversation with my friends, at around 12am, i lay down.

thats when it hit me, i cried like hell. i cried for a whole hour straight i asked why and only "why".. coz i know that its all i can do..

"why what?"
i didn't answer.. i cant answer, i did not explain because i know it will only lead me to complain and i have no right to do that.

i cried again, it was all i can do. i had no one to talk to, no hand to hold, no hugs to give. i was alone. i was crying so hard that i cant even open my eyes.. its funny how the only person that can stop me from crying is the same person who made me cry.

finally at around 2am, i fell asleep, i broke the 23 day record that i had for sleeping at 7 or 8 in the morning. at around 4:30am, i woke up. two and a half hours of sleep.. not bad.. turned on the TV, ohh, music and lyrics was on HBO. i tried hard to concentrate on the movie.. after a few scenes, and the "way back into love" singing part, i turned the TV off.. i just lay there, motionless, thinking.. whats the next thing to do, what am i really feeling.. scenes of what happend yesterday kept on replaying on my mind..

as i was thinking, i remembered the conversation i had with some of my close friends..

one said "let him know, you have to tell him.. coz its so unfair on your part"
another one said "you have every right to get hurt because you love him but questioning him about it is a different story"

a few days ago, i was determined to clear things up with this person even though i know that its a risk.. i know i can lose him.. but i thought its better than being so confused and not knowing where i should really stand. i was determined to make him realize that i could be the one.

but after what happened yesterday, i was having second thoughts..

"you learn to let things be when you realize that what matters to you most is the person and not the issue" stupid as it may sound, but this is what i came up with.

just let things be

though i decided that if i will be given the chance (again) i will definitely talk things out with him.

maybe this is the right time..
maybe this is the last time that ill get hurt.
maybe ill get to find out something true without getting hurt..

maybe.. just maybee..