Friday, March 28, 2008

finding out..

i have always been the last person to know the truth.

yesterday, i accidentally found an answer to one of the questions that has been buggin me for the last 3 months.

ha! took me three months to find out.. that was long.. if i was veronica mars, it wouldnt take me a week to discover the answer to 3 whole months of confusion.

they say the truth hurts. it does.

it hurts when you still care for someone who doesnt care for you anymore
it hurts when you try so hard yo pretend that you dont care at all but deep inside you really do
it hurts when no matter how hard you try, you can never ever be good enough

but what hurts more is when you found out the truth, then you get hurt but you have no right to complain. all you can do is ask "why?" but you can never, ever in your whole damn life complain.
when you try hard to pretend that you are not affected but deep inside you just want to burst out screaming because of the pain you are feeling.

thats more hurting than only knowing the truth..

and thats how it was yesterday.. the truth was spilled out, unintentionally. my mind became blank. i can still hear more of the truth but i wasnt absorbing it. i was trembling, i felt cold, i didnt know what to say. all i did was tell myself to hold back the tears, coz i can't let anyone know how hurt i was to know the truth. i held back coz i know that i have no right to complain. such innocent but heart breaking words for me to hear.

when i got home, i was alone here in my room. i couldnt cry, my stomach was doing butterflies, i wanted to throw up.. yep, "the throw up" syndrome is officially back and im sure i should be officially back to the shrink. i was coughing like crazy and it feels like i was to barf anytime.. but i didn't. i tried to stop myself from doing so.

after a few conversation with my friends, at around 12am, i lay down.

thats when it hit me, i cried like hell. i cried for a whole hour straight i asked why and only "why".. coz i know that its all i can do..

"why what?"
i didn't answer.. i cant answer, i did not explain because i know it will only lead me to complain and i have no right to do that.

i cried again, it was all i can do. i had no one to talk to, no hand to hold, no hugs to give. i was alone. i was crying so hard that i cant even open my eyes.. its funny how the only person that can stop me from crying is the same person who made me cry.

finally at around 2am, i fell asleep, i broke the 23 day record that i had for sleeping at 7 or 8 in the morning. at around 4:30am, i woke up. two and a half hours of sleep.. not bad.. turned on the TV, ohh, music and lyrics was on HBO. i tried hard to concentrate on the movie.. after a few scenes, and the "way back into love" singing part, i turned the TV off.. i just lay there, motionless, thinking.. whats the next thing to do, what am i really feeling.. scenes of what happend yesterday kept on replaying on my mind..

as i was thinking, i remembered the conversation i had with some of my close friends..

one said "let him know, you have to tell him.. coz its so unfair on your part"
another one said "you have every right to get hurt because you love him but questioning him about it is a different story"

a few days ago, i was determined to clear things up with this person even though i know that its a risk.. i know i can lose him.. but i thought its better than being so confused and not knowing where i should really stand. i was determined to make him realize that i could be the one.

but after what happened yesterday, i was having second thoughts..

"you learn to let things be when you realize that what matters to you most is the person and not the issue" stupid as it may sound, but this is what i came up with.

just let things be

though i decided that if i will be given the chance (again) i will definitely talk things out with him.

maybe this is the right time..
maybe this is the last time that ill get hurt.
maybe ill get to find out something true without getting hurt..

maybe.. just maybee..

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